|
Profile
NAME: 大路痴
You only Live Once, so LIVE to dare, DARE to try, TRY to succeed, SUCCEED to fail, FAIL to learn, LEARN to live
VIEW MY COMPLETE PROFILE
Wishlist
* A Tablet
* Iphone 4
* Coach or Gucci bag/pouch/wallet
* A Mont Blanc Pen
* A Nintendo Wii
* A car license
* A car
* A diving license
* Qualify for Achievers Club 2010
* Reach my ideal weight of 50kg
* Try Bungee Jumping
* Try 'The Line' buffet at Shangri La Hotel
* A Man Utd Home Jersey
* Watch a Man U match live at Old Trafford
* Go Taiwan/HK/Thailand/Korea/Japan/
/USA/Aussie/Europe
|
|
Sunday, November 19, 2006
HURT & DISAPPOINTMENT~
5 Days - so far we have not contact each other. The hurt & disappointment increases with each passing day. It started out well but ended up with tears... :'(
Was supposed to go over to his house last sat and went out for lunch together . Unfortunately, it rained the moment i reached there. I sat there watching him filled up his PHD application form. Although we cannot went out for lunch, i was secretly pleased that at least we got to spend some private moments together. Everything was good until he told me this:
"I won't be around during X'mas period for 10 days cos i will be meeting up with Patrick in thailand for 1-2 days before flying to Myanmar after that. I have never been to Myanmar, so i will be going there with my friends. Can you help me look after my house during that period?"
I was upset to hear this. I was looking forward to spending X'mas with him. Now he would not be around to celebrate with me. So disappointed! I sat on his couch sulking. Thinking i was sulking over not being able to go out for lunch, he tried to offer me some chocolates & drinks from his fridge. Suddenly it dawned upon me that he will be going for 10 days. Don't tell me...
I started to calculate. That means he could be leaving on the 16th Dec! I was stunned! 17 Dec was supposed to be our 1 year anniversary. How could he leaves me in sg during that special day! Did he realises it was our 1 year anniversary? Apparently not, otherwise he would not be leaving during that period. I sat there staring blankly at his TV. I was feeling so hurt inside. I felt like crying. The rain outside was making me feel worse, as though it was crying for me. I felt like asking him whether he knew that our 1 year anniversary was on 17 Dec. I was afraid to know the truth. Finally i plucked up my courage to ask him which day is he leaving. He told me 15 Dec. My heart literally sank to the bottom. It was as though he took a knife & stabbed me in the heart. For some reason, I wanted to confront him but i did not. I hate another arguments and wanted to avoid it.
We took bus to Clementi interchange and parted from there. As i walked towards the interchange, my emotions finally got the better of me as tears started falling uncontrollably from my eyes. I walked all the way to the back of the bus so that nobody can see my tears. It was just too much for me.
I remember YF asked me this question before:
“ 考试不及格会比较伤心还是感情出现问题会比较伤心？”
My answer at that time was:
"当然是感情出现问题会比较伤心啦"
Thinking back, i think the most appropriate answer for me should be:
“考试不及格会让我伤心，但是感情出现问题不止让我伤心，而且还很心痛 ”
Now I finally understand why some people say the heart will ache when u are really heartbroken. I can really feel the pain in my heart and it really hurts a lot. All the while I keep asking myself does he really care about this relationship at all. I did not reply to his sms the next day and all the while he did not know what was happening. My friend said I should have told him the reason cos some men are really very insensitive & stupid. I guess he must be 1 of them. When he saw my nick on msn, he finally dare to ask me what happened. As expected, he totally forgot about it! I was so hurt. When i told him not only will he missed our anniversary, i cannot even celebrate xmas with him. Guess what he said?
"Xmas doesn't mean anything to me"
How tactless is that! I really felt like giving him a tight slap. Cant he understand that I look forward to celebrating xmas with him as well? Other than constantly apologizing to me, it seems like there is nothing he can say. To him, sorry seems to be such an easy word to use. He thinks that simply by saying sorry, it can cover all his guilt??? Sometimes I really feel that he is so selfish. He is going for holiday to enjoy himself while he expects me to look after his hse while he is away? Not that I mind doing that, just that I am already upset enough & he wants to add to my misery?
Sometimes I really hate myself for not speaking out instead of suffering in silence by myself. Friends have been offering me advices these few days and telling me what i should do. In particular, Amy kind of hit the right spot. She asked me whether I am trying to act like I am very independent in front of him when in fact I am trying to hide my inner self from him. I think she may be be right. In front of him, I like to act tough when actually I felt so weak & hurt. It feels like there is a layer of protective shield in front of me, preventing me from revealing my inner feelings. Maybe they are right, i deserve someone better.
My mood has been affected for a few days. I am feeling so depressed & miserable now. I really don't know what is he thinking now. Someone has to make the first move. It has been a long time since i cried that much. My tears have almost dried up. I am so tired~
Maybe this phrase applies to me: 香烟遇上火柴就注定被伤害. 在爱情的世界里，没有谁对不起谁，只有谁不懂得珍惜谁...
Posted by 大路痴
@ 2:41 AM
0 comments
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
|
