I really don't know what's wrong with me recently. I was having a severe mood swing. Even the slightest thing seem to irritate the hell out of me. I was losing control of myself.

One moment, i was like living in heaven, the next moment, i felt as if i was banished to hell. It was just so extreme. Sometimes, i felt so helpless. And the more i think about it, the more things seem to go the other way. It was as if i was drowning in a quicksand, hoping for a hand to pull me up. The only faint hope that i was holding onto seem to drift further and further away from me, out of my grasp.

Everything seems so real at first. It's been a long time since i felt that way, the happiness that i crave for. But now, it seem to appear and disappear in fits and starts. My worse fear came true when i accidently saw something i was hoping not to see. Was everything at the beginning just an illusion, i wonder? And just today, i did something which i never thought i would ever have the courage to do so. I guess better to do it now than regret not trying in future. Now the ball is in the other court. Whether it will come back to me is another thing. Although the hope is very slim now, at least i know i have tried. Maybe it's time to give up on that hope.

On the other hand, the nightmare i was hoping to get rid of keeps coming back to haunt me again and again recently. I thought i had finally woke up from the nightmare, but i guess i was wrong. It was there all along. Sometimes i really blame myself for everything that happened. I wish i was strong enough to fight it but i guess i am just too weak. Too weak for everything and anything. I am fighting an internal struggle with myself. And i really hate myself for that. And now, i have to think of a way to deal with this nightmare of mine. I have never felt as helpless as what i am experiencing now. Everything just goes against me. Really, everything. Just when i thought i found a path, the path turns out to be another dead end. It just keeps repeating. What exactly is wrong? Am i cursed or what? I really wish i could get out of this rot. The time keeps ticking but i am still stuck at where i am.

I seem to have lost my direction...