THE UNSEND LETTER

Why? Why? Why? Somebody please tell me why?

Is god playing a joke on me??? If yes, this is really too big a joke.

Just because of one trivial incident (ok, maybe i am at fault here) when i neglected his pets for 1 day while he was away in Japan, everything blew up from there - the past accusation, the disagreements, the blames, the confrontations, the misunderstandings, the insecurites, those hurting words...

He said i complained too much about him. I admit i did complain too much and i realised where i am wrong and where i am correct. To him, everything he did is correct and justified. Man and his ego...(again) He refused to meet me. he said he needed time to cool off. But how long? Unable to bear with this mental torture anymore, i actually lower my pride: I emailed him. I realised maybe i set my expectations too high and read too much into things. I even explained my reasons for doing so.

Guess what i got in return?

He said that i did not appreciate what he had done for me

He said that he had enough of my nonsense and he would rather be left alone if that is the case.

He said MY FRIENDS are butting too much into our relationships. (Is he guilty i wonder?)

And the worst of the lot, he actually said this: "I think that if your FRIENDS have some local guy to fix you up with, go ahead."

I really cannot believe those words came out from his mouth! It was the most hurting words that i ever heard from him. Yes, insult me but do not insult my friends! Felt so emotionally heartbroken... Despite my letter (4 hours of writing), he said that he was still VERY upset and even requested for a 2 weeks break. Seems like he wanted to torture me further.

I struggled for a few days. A lot of thoughts were swirling in my mind. I cried a bit. I could not sleep every night. It hurts more and more each day just to think of it.

Finally i made a decision: I shall write him a farewell letter and break up with him. I decided not to wait for 2 weeks. This mental torture is killing me. What will he says after 2 weeks? I am too coward to know the outcome. This whole thing is so tiring. I even blocked him on my msn to keep myself away from him. I struggled to write out the letter. All the memories and flashbacks of him keep appearing in my mind. I shall send it out on friday morning (9 mar), i told myself.

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My HP rang this afternoon while i was still in my dreamland.

In a dazed mode, i picked up the call and it was HIM! Am i still in my dreamland? I thought he said we shall separate for 2 weeks? He said he was downstairs at my block. Did i hear correctly? Apparently, he said he came here to buy fishes (There is a fish store near my house). At the same time, he asked me to bring him to the famous Tiong Bahru Pau stall near my house which i mentioned to him last time. Even though I told him it was closed in the afternoon, he wanted me to bring him there so that he knows how to go there next time. In my untidiest state, i went to meet him. He acted like everything was so normal (yet again). We had lunch. It just felt so weird. How can he still act so normally after what had just happened? I tried to keep a distance away from him, almost as if there are thorns between us. He did not try to hold my hands or even hug me after we parted. I can sense the awkwardness at that moment as i can see that he wanted to but did not dare to do so.

Everything that happened today was just so weird. What exactly does he want? Damn it! Just when i finally muster up the courage to break with him, he had to come and find me - within 4 days. Why did i answer that call? I was going to send out the letter tomorrow. Totally unexpected... It seems to be a tale of 'unexpectedness' whenever i am with him. I wonder what will happen if i am not at home or if he called me 1 day later. God wants to put me through another round of misery??? Seriously... i am too tired to think about all these. Maybe it was just a false hope. I felt as if i am standing at the crossroad, not knowing which way to go. I decided not to contact him and continue blocking him on my msn. Shall wait and see what happens during the next few days. Meanwhile, the letter remains unsend, still waiting for it's fate - whether it will reach the intended owner or ended up in the recycle bin...

Posted by 大路痴 @ 11:30 PM
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