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NAME: 大路痴



You only Live Once, so LIVE to dare, DARE to try, TRY to succeed, SUCCEED to fail, FAIL to learn, LEARN to live

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Wishlist



* A Tablet
* Iphone 4
* Coach or Gucci bag/pouch/wallet
* A Mont Blanc Pen
* A Nintendo Wii
* A car license
* A car
* A diving license
* Qualify for Achievers Club 2010
* Reach my ideal weight of 50kg
* Try Bungee Jumping
* Try 'The Line' buffet at Shangri La Hotel
* A Man Utd Home Jersey
* Watch a Man U match live at Old Trafford
* Go Taiwan/HK/Thailand/Korea/Japan/
/USA/Aussie/Europe

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  • Current Posts


    		•
    Sunday, March 18, 2007

    THE END

    Yes... It's official. After 1 year 3 months and 1 day, we finally broke up today.

    I guess we are really not suitable for each other. There are just too many differences - the culture, the character, the goals, the mindset, the values in life, the age gap and maybe to some extent, the communication barrier.

    The ironic thing is, even though i know we are so different right from the start and i know there is no future together, i still jump into this relationship. What was i thinking? Am i hoping that i can overcome the obstacles and hopefully things will turn out to be better than i expected? Maybe i am just too naive to believe that love can conquer all obstacles. Or maybe i have not met the ONE that will make me believe in this. Another irony is that i used to be pretty confident about myself till i started this relationship. Maybe i am just too insecure. I wonder is that a good thing or a bad thing.

    I guess a relationship takes two hands to clap. Love ceases to exist if one party stops loving and the other party continues to hold on. Eventually, both parties will not be happy, especially to the one who is holding on. I came across a few quotes which i read in an email some time ago. Basically, it makes some sense:

    'A sad thing about life is when you meet someone and fall in love, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and that you have wasted years on someone who wasn't worth it. If he isn't worth it now he's not going to be worth it a year or 10 years from now. Let go..... '

    'Heartbreaks last as long as you want and cut as deep as you allow them to go. The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them.'

    How true... Maybe it is a good thing that this relationship only lasted 1 year plus. It would be an even greater disaster to drag it any longer, such as ten years down the road, only to realise that we are not meant to be. A man's biological time clock ticks down more gradually, while a woman's takes a steeper drop. Afterall, i am not exactly young anymore. I am responsible for my own future and happiness. Even though it is a short-lived relationship, i did learn a lot from it.

    - I believe most couples quarrel. There's no rights or wrongs in love. Nobody is perfect and everybody makes mistake. The most important thing is not how serious the mistake is but whether one can learn from their mistake and promise not to do it again.

    'Love isn't about becoming somebody else's "perfect person." It's about finding someone who helps you become the best person you can be.'

    - Love is not an equation where a+b=c. A relationship should not be about how much one gives and how much one expects to receive the same in return. Otherwise, there will be endless comparing and expectations (who gives more or who gives less), ultimately leading to feeling of unhappiness and unfairness on either party. True love means sacrificing for the other partner, be it material wise, emotional, or just plain unconditional love.

    - A relationship should be all about communications, compromise, trust, respect, spending time to understand each other and learning to appreciate the little things that the other party does for you. Most importantly, both parties should not take each other for granted.

    - Being in love should be all about being happy and enjoying the companionship that comes with it. Maybe to certain extent, to love someone is to accept them the way they are and their past.

    Well... i may not be exactly right. As i just said, i still have a lot to learn.

    Somehow, i got mix feelings once i got the answer that i have alway been waiting for. Waiting is a torture. Guessing too much will only makes me feel worse. On one hand i was relief that it was finally over. It was an outcome which i had kind of predicted long ago. On the other hand, I wish this relationship would last a bit longer. To tell the truth, it was very hard to let go just like that. Have i ever regretted being in this relationship? I know i have never cried so much in my life before. Not even when my paternal grandma or grandpa died (probably i was too young at that time to understand the meaning of death). But even so, i have never regretted it. Afterall, there are up moments as well as down moments with him. Will i hate him? Am i angry with him for not appreciating what i did? Maybe to certain extent, yes. But i will not hate him because hating someone is equal to constantly reminding yourself that there is someone in your heart who you cannot let go. Why should i subject myself to such torture right? Do i feel hurt? Of course i do. In fact, it hurts so much deep inside, as though someone has just stabbed me in the heart. I felt so lost suddenly. It was hard to acknowledge the fact that someone so close to me for the past one year will not be there for me anymore. Afterall, i am a human, not a machine with no emotions at all. I guess it will take a while to forget him completely. Whether we will be friends or not after this i really do not know. Maybe it is best not to contact at all and just let the memories slowly fade away... At this moment, one of my favourite songs - ' 柠檬草的味道' by Jolin sums up my thoughts perfectly. If only he can understand all the lyrics...

    柠檬草的味道

    他们猜我们后来有没有再见 离席了才会晓得怀念
    突然我记起你的脸 那触动依然像昨天
    对自己我终於也诚实了一点

    是不是回忆就是淡淡柠檬草
    心酸里又有芳香的味道
    曾以为你是全世界 但那天已经好遥远
    绕一圈 我才发现我有更远地平线

    我们都没错 只是不适合 我要的我现在才懂得
    快乐是我的 不是你给的
    寂寞要自己负责

    毕竟用尽了力气也未必如愿
    总是要过去以后才了解
    突然我记起你的脸 爱不爱不过一念之间
    绕一圈 今天的我能和昨天面对面
    我们都没错只是不适合 亲爱的我当时不懂得
    选择是我的不是你给的 明天自己负责

    给昨天的我一个拥抱
    曾经她不知如何是好
    若我们再见我会微笑
    谢谢你 谢谢你
    我尝过爱的好

    PS: To all my friends, esp Amy and Zhiyun. Thanks for always being there for me and giving me advices all the while. Without you all, i think i would have gone crazy long long ago. I will live my life properly from now on. Another thanks for making me believe that i deserve someone better. Maybe love is only special when you give it to someone who is really worth it. Who knows my real prince charming will turn up unexpectedly just when i least expected it. Just wish me all the best :)


    Posted by 大路痴 @ 4:52 PM
    1 comments

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Thursday, March 8, 2007

    THE UNSEND LETTER

    Why? Why? Why? Somebody please tell me why?

    Is god playing a joke on me??? If yes, this is really too big a joke.

    Just because of one trivial incident (ok, maybe i am at fault here) when i neglected his pets for 1 day while he was away in Japan, everything blew up from there - the past accusation, the disagreements, the blames, the confrontations, the misunderstandings, the insecurites, those hurting words...

    He said i complained too much about him. I admit i did complain too much and i realised where i am wrong and where i am correct. To him, everything he did is correct and justified. Man and his ego...(again) He refused to meet me. he said he needed time to cool off. But how long? Unable to bear with this mental torture anymore, i actually lower my pride: I emailed him. I realised maybe i set my expectations too high and read too much into things. I even explained my reasons for doing so.

    Guess what i got in return?

    He said that i did not appreciate what he had done for me

    He said that he had enough of my nonsense and he would rather be left alone if that is the case.

    He said MY FRIENDS are butting too much into our relationships. (Is he guilty i wonder?)

    And the worst of the lot, he actually said this: "I think that if your FRIENDS have some local guy to fix you up with, go ahead."

    I really cannot believe those words came out from his mouth! It was the most hurting words that i ever heard from him. Yes, insult me but do not insult my friends! Felt so emotionally heartbroken... Despite my letter (4 hours of writing), he said that he was still VERY upset and even requested for a 2 weeks break. Seems like he wanted to torture me further.

    I struggled for a few days. A lot of thoughts were swirling in my mind. I cried a bit. I could not sleep every night. It hurts more and more each day just to think of it.

    Finally i made a decision: I shall write him a farewell letter and break up with him. I decided not to wait for 2 weeks. This mental torture is killing me. What will he says after 2 weeks? I am too coward to know the outcome. This whole thing is so tiring. I even blocked him on my msn to keep myself away from him. I struggled to write out the letter. All the memories and flashbacks of him keep appearing in my mind. I shall send it out on friday morning (9 mar), i told myself.


    ***********************************************************
    My HP rang this afternoon while i was still in my dreamland.

    In a dazed mode, i picked up the call and it was HIM! Am i still in my dreamland? I thought he said we shall separate for 2 weeks? He said he was downstairs at my block. Did i hear correctly? Apparently, he said he came here to buy fishes (There is a fish store near my house). At the same time, he asked me to bring him to the famous Tiong Bahru Pau stall near my house which i mentioned to him last time. Even though I told him it was closed in the afternoon, he wanted me to bring him there so that he knows how to go there next time. In my untidiest state, i went to meet him. He acted like everything was so normal (yet again). We had lunch. It just felt so weird. How can he still act so normally after what had just happened? I tried to keep a distance away from him, almost as if there are thorns between us. He did not try to hold my hands or even hug me after we parted. I can sense the awkwardness at that moment as i can see that he wanted to but did not dare to do so.

    Everything that happened today was just so weird. What exactly does he want? Damn it! Just when i finally muster up the courage to break with him, he had to come and find me - within 4 days. Why did i answer that call? I was going to send out the letter tomorrow. Totally unexpected... It seems to be a tale of 'unexpectedness' whenever i am with him. I wonder what will happen if i am not at home or if he called me 1 day later. God wants to put me through another round of misery??? Seriously... i am too tired to think about all these. Maybe it was just a false hope. I felt as if i am standing at the crossroad, not knowing which way to go. I decided not to contact him and continue blocking him on my msn. Shall wait and see what happens during the next few days. Meanwhile, the letter remains unsend, still waiting for it's fate - whether it will reach the intended owner or ended up in the recycle bin...



    Posted by 大路痴 @ 11:30 PM
    0 comments

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